Unveiling Nightmares

If your life were a horror movie, what would the title be, and who would play you in the film adaptation?

I think my life horror movie would be called, The Road to Hell is Paved with Good Intentions. I don’t necessarily think the people who put me through Hell had good intentions, but the language they used was sprinkled with whatever the latest “good” thing was, whether that was positive thought, body confidence, etc. or they’d claim to be helping me, when really, as I pointed out repeatedly, it was creating more problems for me (but that’s being “negative” and “ungrateful”).

I’m not sure who would play me. A British actress who either doesn’t mind wearing a wig or having her hair back-combed (it used to be worse in my youth).

Which of your characters do you secretly relate to the most, and why? Are you also afraid of what they’re afraid of?

I’m not too sure. It isn’t something I’ve ever thought about.

If your book’s antagonist invited you over for dinner, what dish would you bring to ensure they spare your life?

With some of my characters, I think I’d just poison them outright (particularly Kord and Hayden, who are both vile – Strip/Becoming and Name Dropping with Hayden). All the characters in the Satan Yeast Infection series, I’d bring them poison Marmite, but Marmite is so vile it’ll probably repeal it. That and if they were real, they’d have iron stomachs to be able to eat it. I wouldn’t poison the characters in Stef and Tucker. They aren’t bad people, just a bit too sexual for me to want to be around.

I doubt any of my characters would kill me though. If it weren’t for me, they wouldn’t exist.

Which famous horror monster would you want as a roommate, and how would you handle their nighttime habits?

I wouldn’t want any werewolves because I’m not a dog person. The entire concept is deceptive. The person could be a perfectly normal, functional person and then the full moon hits and bam, there’s a hungry wolf. I don’t think I can name any famous werewolves anyways.

I’m going to go with any of the vampires. With vampires, there’s enough red flags (especially with the sparkly ones) to know what you are getting. I wouldn’t allow them to bring their meals home because ewww… But any of the famous vampires. Maybe Lestat is more interesting in person than the books and films make out?

If you could trap one of your characters in a haunted house for a day, who would it be, and what kind of scares would you throw at them?

I’d throw Stef and Tucker into the haunted house. It’ll be lined with pictures of Jordan and the Road Demon and be ultra-confusing. Then I’d get some power in the house to make themselves look like Stef and Tucker but dead and separate them. That wouldn’t be nice either. I’m sure the drummer (now named Milo) will show up to perform an exorcism and release them from their torment at some point. As this is a series, I might write this story one day.

Share with us the most spine-chilling writing ritual you’ve ever performed to summon inspiration for your stories.

I once went to Blackpool. Does that count? I thought it would be more inspirational than it actually was.

If your book’s setting suddenly became your reality, how long do you think you’d survive, and what would be your survival strategy?

It depends on what book. The book I’m currently writing, I’d survive. It is about quicksand because I am sick of fucking explaining Crosby beach (in Liverpool) to people. I’ve been there. I’ve survived the quicksand because I didn’t get sucked in because I fucking know it is there because I listen to people. Right now, the working draft is called The Tourists. Although this quicksand in my story stops behaving like normal quicksand at some point and there’s tentacles (at least in the draft). And I think everyone who has been pulled out of the quicksand on Crosby beach has survived. Might have been a bit hypothermic and embarrassed though.

Some of my books I’d make a point for them to not become my reality and if they did, poison (I should probably look into poisons, just in case, I don’t know anything about poisons). Or, I could start writing nicer things.

Then there’s other books, like 56 Seconds where it wouldn’t necessarily be bad to be stuck in it. I’d just sit at the table at the back. Maybe go onto the dance floor (no one can see Donnie’s friends except for him so I wouldn’t know they’re there).

What’s the creepiest encounter you’ve had with a fan who mistook fiction for reality?

Unfortunately being a woman, I get the other type of creep and not someone who is just really into horror and maybe made me a gift or even did something a bit weird. And a lot of my books range from sexual tension to outright pornography. And people (there’s a lot of them) fail to comprehend that fiction is not real and I fucking made it up, all of it. It is not real! So I get creeps that seem to think I’m some sort of sex kitten (which I’m not, but even if I was, I would have the right to say no) and they are relentless.

It gets worse because now there’s booktok and people going on there saying authors are what they write and these people have large followings and really don’t give a shit that those viewpoints can have very bad endings for women working in horror (or erotica or pretty much any woman in the creative industries) because they need attention and want to sound intelligent. So these booktokers and people going around saying authors are what they write have created an even more dangerous world for women writing extreme horror and splatterpunk.

I wish I had the other creepy encounters with weird handmade gifts, but I don’t. Weird, handmade gifts are good. Weird, creepy men who think they sound intelligent when they spew out some pseudo-psychological analysis are bad and likely have small dicks that are only hard because of the excessive dick cheese that has crusted over.

If you could rewrite the ending of any classic horror story, which one would it be, and how would you give it a comedic twist?

I haven’t read too many of the classics, but I did skim through Frankenstein and I know it has probably been done and done again, but I’d change it so you can call Frankenstein’s monster, Frankenstein. I’d add my own twist on it though.

If you were a ghost haunting a bookstore, which section would you linger in, and how would you mess with unsuspecting customers?

I’m not too sure. I’d stay out of religion and new age though. I’d probably go towards the text books. Really big ones, like law books or medical books. Then when the bookshop is closed, I’d very carefully remove the binding and switch them around. Obviously, you can’t throw big text books at people because that’ll kill them, but slowly, over the course of the day, I’d move the books and make a castle in some dark corner that doesn’t get cleaned very often. Then when someone comes in to buy the book and the shop assistant looks it up and it says it is in stock, they wouldn’t be able to find it. If someone does eventually discover the book, the cover will be correct, but the content will be a different book.

You can visit the Queen of Filth on her website.